The Essential Horror Movie Survival Kit

Man Crates has asked me to say what things I would like in a crate in order to survive a Halloween horror film. Man Crates runs off of the premise of delivering crates of goods to men to solve the difficulties of gift giving, these crates are apparently solid–like, you need an actual crow bar to open them every time they arrive at your door.

To me this feels like the right place to start, no not with the crow bar, what am I going to do hit some monster or serial killer with a crow bar? The place to start is with an actual crate. Such a heavy duty piece of material seems like a great place to hide out while all the shenanigans are happening. No I am not the hero of your Halloween story–the best way to get by is to blend into your surroundings–I mean that’s how Schwartzenegger got by in 90% of Predator right? Surely the killer would just assume the crate is another delivery from Man Crates and pass it by all the while I’m there at the end as your sole survivor.

My next plan for horror survival comes with another bit of trickery, which is probably my sole plan for surviving anything (I’ve always maintained Foxface was the best Hunger Games player, after all). All I would need is a whole slew of scary monster/villain costumes. Imagine this, you were going throughout your work day, doing all the things you are very passionate about and you run into someone who looks exactly like you! You would no doubt be thrown off, perhaps even to the point that you would no longer be able to complete your duties. I imagine the same thing would definitely happen to any serial killer. When the dudes in the Scream costumes are running around doing their tributes to horror films I imagine coming across another person in a Ghostface costume would stop them dead in their tracks, or at least skip over killing that person in solidarity.

Let’s say your particular horror film involves scary monsters, even better! The best strategy the cast of Shaun of the Dead ever employs is just pretending to be zombies. If the alien from Alien saw himself in you, it would likely welcome you as its own brethren skipping over its violent tendencies, because you are one of them! Sure this might eventually involve some sort of proving that you are one of them by having to kill your fellow humans, but hey what else are you gonna do? Eventually this trojan horse of a plan could involve killing the beast when it least expects it, a la the trojan horse.

The last thing I would like in order to survive a horror film nightmare is probably a machine gun with endless ammo, I mean I wouldn’t know how to use it, I favor tighter restrictions on gun ownership, and am a total wimp, but a rapid fire way to take care of people that are attacking you feels like the easiest way to survive this thing. Sorry to my pacifist ideals and elaborate strategies, pure firepower is just so attractive.

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